NEW YORK—The nation's top experts unanimously agreed Tuesday that the current struggles of the U.S. economy were no reason whatsoever to stop investing in print media, which they said was easily the safest and most profitable place to invest one's money.
Without exception, leading authorities across all relevant disciplines said that while traditional low-risk instruments such as CDs, bonds, and gold were still relatively secure investments, only the nation's beloved print media outlets could offer both the reliability and the potential for tremendous financial gain required for guaranteed peace of mind.
"Print media is far and away your best bet in this tough fiscal climate," said the nation's foremost economists. "Just put your money in and forget about it for 10 years, 20 years, 50 years, doesn't matter. No economic downturn on earth can touch it."
"There's no question about it," continued all economic experts. "If you're a nervous investor—and you should be in this climate—you should be pouring all your cash into your local broadsheet right this second."
See the full story in the Onion.
BLOG NOTE:
The Onion is an American news satire organization. It is an entertainment newspaper and a website featuring satirical articles reporting on international, national, and local news, in addition to a non-satirical entertainment section known as The A.V. Club. It claims a national print circulation of 400,000 and says 61 percent of its web site readers are between 18 and 44 years old.[2][4] Since 2007, the organization has been publishing satirical news audios and videos online, as the "Onion News Network".[5] Web traffic on theonion.com amounts to some 7.5 million unique visitors per month.[6]
The Onion's articles comment on current events, both real and fictional. It parodies such traditional newspaper features as editorials, man-on-the-street interviews, and stock quotes on a traditional newspaper layout with an AP-style editorial voice. Much of its humor depends on presenting everyday events as newsworthy and by playing on commonly used phrases, as in the headline "Drugs Win Drug War."
Without exception, leading authorities across all relevant disciplines said that while traditional low-risk instruments such as CDs, bonds, and gold were still relatively secure investments, only the nation's beloved print media outlets could offer both the reliability and the potential for tremendous financial gain required for guaranteed peace of mind.
"Print media is far and away your best bet in this tough fiscal climate," said the nation's foremost economists. "Just put your money in and forget about it for 10 years, 20 years, 50 years, doesn't matter. No economic downturn on earth can touch it."
"There's no question about it," continued all economic experts. "If you're a nervous investor—and you should be in this climate—you should be pouring all your cash into your local broadsheet right this second."
See the full story in the Onion.
BLOG NOTE:
The Onion is an American news satire organization. It is an entertainment newspaper and a website featuring satirical articles reporting on international, national, and local news, in addition to a non-satirical entertainment section known as The A.V. Club. It claims a national print circulation of 400,000 and says 61 percent of its web site readers are between 18 and 44 years old.[2][4] Since 2007, the organization has been publishing satirical news audios and videos online, as the "Onion News Network".[5] Web traffic on theonion.com amounts to some 7.5 million unique visitors per month.[6]
The Onion's articles comment on current events, both real and fictional. It parodies such traditional newspaper features as editorials, man-on-the-street interviews, and stock quotes on a traditional newspaper layout with an AP-style editorial voice. Much of its humor depends on presenting everyday events as newsworthy and by playing on commonly used phrases, as in the headline "Drugs Win Drug War."
No comments:
Post a Comment